Why do I often ask myself, do I move closer to you or farther away? Is there a third option that can
It seems that every area of my life is impacted by insecure attachment which opens the door for me to insecurely attach in all areas of my life. It is not just people, it can be anything- food, job, relationships, events, experiences, behaviors, everything. Do I move, do I work out, do I move closer to God, my husband, kids, this group of people or farther away? It doesn't matter, my disorganized attachment shows it's head in almost every scenario. So I can live in hopeless despair or consider a third option?
I believe that the 12 step program was onto something in the first 3 steps-
1. Admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank)- that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
The third option but how do I access it in a real way? Much of my life has been filled with great understanding but the steps have evaded me. I need to know how, please don't give me another great idea that won't really help me. This struggle with disorganized attachment is real and can feel maddening. My brain can't handle two opposing options at the same time so it literally pops out of my head and off I am to one of my attachments/addictions to fill the pain. Then the shame starts failed again, can't handle the pain, hide. No relief in sight. Does this sound familiar to you too?
Dr. Jim Wilder, a Neurotheologian has taught me their is a third option and how to do it. I'd like to share it with you as I know how bad it feels to not know there is another choice- stay/go, eat/don't eat, act out/dissociate and many other double binds that makes you feel crazy.
Here is the third option and I plan to revisit this again and again on this blog because our brains need practice and exercise-
This morning as I woke I felt the pull, do I want to eat or do I want fast? It was then that I realized, this is disorganized attachment too, it is not just with people or jobs, it does touch every area of my life. What did I do at this point? I realized that I could not be in this conflicting place alone, I was powerless, I needed a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity and I needed to turn this struggle over to the care of God. But how?
Step 1- Open my relational part of my brain to God by practicing gratefulness. I told God 3 things that I am grateful for this morning. I felt this in my body, I felt connected to God.
Step 2- Now that I am connected to God, I ask Him, what is the third option here, not do I move closer or farther away but what do you want me to know when I feel these opposing desires? God does not give me a standard answer applicable to every situation. It is about coming into relationship with Him in the situation that is creating this pain inside of me. I've come to learn that my addictions, my relational struggles are all related to my attachment pain. Therefore the solution must involve attachment but as the 12 steps so brilliantly shows us, we can't do this alone, we need God's help and when I turn my will over to the care of God who holds the third option, I can experience peace. The third option not resolving stay or go, take or don't take but rather, Lord what do is the third option right now, I need help?
Today is the start of more blogs around insecure attachment, most specifically disorganized. I have carried much shame around having disorganized attachment especially as a therapist. Yet now I understand it was not my fault but it is my choice if I want to learn how to live with it and find peace in the midst. Hi, I'm Lori and I live with disorganized attachment. Would you like to join me on this journey of the Third Option?