The road out of enemy mode but to where?

Every time I choose to not feel my feelings- sadness, shame, angry, angst/fear, disgust or hopeless despair, I am abandoning myself, no one is abandoning me more than I am.

This is how we learn to live in our false selves and are ultimately left with trying to create our own identity. As I have lived my life without an identity, the identity I used to hide was enemy mode. This came/comes in many forms- I can hide from you, I can isolate, I can attack or I can work to fix me or you to avoid any of the above six feelings. The more I wanted to avoid feelings and not learn how to feel the big feelings, the stronger, more entrenched enemy mode was established in my life. I either made an enemy out of myself or if there was an easy target in front of me that I could try to fix, blame, attack or evade.

Enemy mode was my identity. I didn't ask myself, what is it like me to do, who am I? There was no Me to ask. Instead, what is causing my fear or pain and I will stop the feeling by going to a psuedo solution, a very strong "Who's Bad Here Addiction"- am I bad here or are you? It wasn't- I am just feeling, it is like me to feel big feelings. It is I need to stop this ASAP and I will do whatever I need to do to make it stop.

We call these BEEPS- Behaviors, Events, Experiences, People and Substances. My most destructive behavior wasn't a substance. It was a behavior called enemy mode. I can go to enemy mode with myself as quickly as I can make you an enemy. It might look angry/hard but it can easily look sappy sweet, accommodating, appeasing, NICE.

Yet I reference, the road out of enemy mode. Are you curious? Are you tired of being angry, hard or nice, accommodating without finding who you were created to be? Let's escape enemy mode and go on a pilgrimage to find who we were created to be.